["I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.","It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.","Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.","I've never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.","Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.","Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.","I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.","Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.","On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.","I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.","I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toed boot.","Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.","My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.","[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.","Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.","Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.","Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces what they intend to waste taxpayer money on.","You had me at meat tornado.","An hour ago a giant fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.","Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.","It's an impossible puzzle, and I love puzzles!","I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife.","There must be a mistake, you've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.","Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.","Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.","Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.","The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.","Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.","One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.","In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.","I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.","Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.","Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?","Please and thank you.","Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her? She works for the library.","I love riddles!","Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.","My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.","Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.","Friends: one to three is sufficient.","I regret nothing. The end.","I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.","Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.","Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.","First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words.","Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.","Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.","Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.","Turkey can never beat cow.","The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor."]