["No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.","Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.","[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.","Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.","I was born ready. I’m Ron F*cking Swanson.","I've never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.","The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor.","I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toed boot.","I change my locks every 16 days.","I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.","It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.","Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.","There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.","Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait...wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?","The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.","Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.","There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.","Child labor laws are ruining this country.","I love nothing.","When I eat, it is the food that is scared.","Are you going to tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?","Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.","When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache. And I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.","I leave no meat behind. It’s an honor thing.","Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.","Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.","Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.","Tom put all my records into this rectangle!","The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.","Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.","It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.","I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.","I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.","Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.","Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.","An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.","My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.","Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.","It's an impossible puzzle, and I love puzzles!","I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride home from the funeral and a steak dinner. End of discussion.","History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.","Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.","My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.","What's cholesterol?","In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.","Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.","Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.","I wanna punch you in the face so bad right now.","We have one activity planned: not getting killed.","I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief."]