["The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.","Go back to the library where you belong.","Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.","Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.","Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.","Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces what they intend to waste taxpayer money on.","I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toed boot.","Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.","In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.","[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.","Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.","Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.","I change my locks every 16 days.","I wanna punch you in the face so bad right now.","I regret nothing. The end.","Please and thank you.","Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her? She works for the library.","Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.","Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.","Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.","I love riddles!","I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.","Cultivating a manly musk puts opponent on notice.","Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.","There must be a mistake, you've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.","It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.","There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.","Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.","I leave no meat behind. It’s an honor thing.","When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache. And I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.","I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride home from the funeral and a steak dinner. End of discussion.","Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.","America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.","If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.","Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.","There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.","Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.","My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.","Tom put all my records into this rectangle!","I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.","Child labor laws are ruining this country.","It's an impossible puzzle, and I love puzzles!","I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.","I've cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian has passed.","Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.","The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.","Honor: if you need it defined, you don't have it.","No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.","Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait...wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?","Turkey can never beat cow.","Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.","On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.","Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.","Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?","Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.","If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.","I hate everything.","I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.","I was born ready. I’m Ron F*cking Swanson.","My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.","Breakfast food can serve many purposes.","An hour ago a giant fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.","There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.","There is only one bad word: taxes.","I'll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.","I've never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.","It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.","The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.","On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.","Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.","Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.","History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.","Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.","Are you going to tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?","We have one activity planned: not getting killed.","Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.","The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor.","I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful government projects.","I'm going to get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.","I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.","You had me at meat tornado.","Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.","Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.","People who buy things are suckers.","First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words.","Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.","I love nothing.","The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.","There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.","When I eat, it is the food that is scared.","Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.","I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.","Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.","I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.","Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.","Friends: one to three is sufficient.","Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.","What's cholesterol?","An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.","Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.","Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.","Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.","My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.","I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.","When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.","One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.","I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife.","If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party."]