["Are you going to tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?","Turkey can never beat cow.","Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.","Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.","Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.","The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.","It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.","An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.","I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.","On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.","It's an impossible puzzle, and I love puzzles!","Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.","There must be a mistake, you've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.","Go back to the library where you belong.","When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.","Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.","Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.","Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.","Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces what they intend to waste taxpayer money on.","One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.","Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.","I love nothing.","No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.","I regret nothing. The end.","In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.","An hour ago a giant fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.","There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.","Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.","My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.","Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.","I was born ready. I’m Ron F*cking Swanson.","There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.","The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.","I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.","When I eat, it is the food that is scared.","Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.","Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait...wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?","Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.","I leave no meat behind. It’s an honor thing.","Child labor laws are ruining this country.","Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.","I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.","If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.","My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.","If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.","I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.","Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.","I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful government projects.","You had me at meat tornado.","My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.","When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache. And I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.","Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.","Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.","What's cholesterol?","Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.","Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her? She works for the library.","Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.","I've cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian has passed.","I change my locks every 16 days.","The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.","I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toed boot.","I wanna punch you in the face so bad right now.","Tom put all my records into this rectangle!","I'll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.","Honor: if you need it defined, you don't have it.","Breakfast food can serve many purposes.","I hate everything.","Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.","Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.","First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words.","I've never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.","I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife.","Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.","I love riddles!","I'm going to get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.","Friends: one to three is sufficient.","Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.","People who buy things are suckers.","Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.","America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.","We have one activity planned: not getting killed.","Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?","History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.","Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.","If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.","There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.","I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.","Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.","Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.","I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride home from the funeral and a steak dinner. End of discussion.","[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.","I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.","I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.","Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.","Please and thank you.","The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor.","Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.","There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.","Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.","There is only one bad word: taxes."]