["When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.","I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.","Friends: one to three is sufficient.","An hour ago a giant fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.","Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.","I've never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.","Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.","I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.","Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.","You had me at meat tornado.","I was born ready. I’m Ron F*cking Swanson.","[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.","History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.","I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.","There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.","I'm going to get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.","There is only one bad word: taxes.","Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.","I change my locks every 16 days.","Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.","If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.","It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.","I've cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian has passed.","Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.","What's cholesterol?","I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.","An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.","I love riddles!","Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.","We have one activity planned: not getting killed.","Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.","Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.","Turkey can never beat cow.","Cultivating a manly musk puts opponent on notice.","Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces what they intend to waste taxpayer money on.","Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.","One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.","Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?","Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.","When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache. And I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.","Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.","I wanna punch you in the face so bad right now.","Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.","The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.","I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.","Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.","I hate everything.","People who buy things are suckers.","My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.","It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.","There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.","Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.","My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.","I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.","I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.","Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.","There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.","Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.","The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.","Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.","I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful government projects.","Breakfast food can serve many purposes.","I'll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.","No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.","If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.","I love nothing.","When I eat, it is the food that is scared.","Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.","Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.","Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done."]